Archive | October, 2010

truth ya can’t handle

25 Oct

The truth is hard to write, and it is hard to write anything but the truth.

I was thinking today there are some you grow to love to hate, but he is someone who I have grown to hate to love.

You may think hate is vicious and it can be, as I can be with him, but mostly it is debilitating, like the hate get directed inward, and it is my own muscle and sinew being macerated at with a blunt knife. For me it is this constant gnawing nausea and dread around him. It never really fully lifts. Even when I am not acting out of that place, it lurks in the shadows ready to hit again.

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crazy

20 Oct

i am fairly certain that i am crazy.  i am slowly losing my mind.  i feel disoriented and not sure of where i am.  or maybe i am tricking myself to believing that. i don’t want to be here writing these words.  i  think.  i thought  i wanted carefree inspiring words.  but it seems like i am in this tight tight bud that never wants to burst.  it is so dark and yet  maybe i want to be where i am.  maybe there is clarity here, if i just gave in.  i want to disconnect. i feel if i sit down and think myself into craziness. i could just let it wash over me.  i think this is why my chest is so tight and my heart is racing and my feet are tingling and maybe it is why i am passing in and out of consciousness.

or so it feels.

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learn what life is

13 Oct


I sat down to listen to this song and I typed out the lyrics as I listened, the old-fashioned way.  It is a form of mediation almost for me.  To focus on the words of a song and transcribe them as they flow out.  It reminds me of doing it as a teenager, before Internet when you couldn’t just find the lyrics to songs.  I would spend hours doing it, pencil in hand, pausing, rewinding the tape back and forth, over and over for the parts I could not quite catch.  You caught a lot more of the phrasing that way, let it seep into your mind.

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the fool

2 Oct

I haven’t lived very much
in hopes that I
will only very little die.

(…to be revisited)

 

Self-portrait:  courtesy of moi and Paint

hello, cruel world

1 Oct

Reference: Hello, Cruel World

Created using Wordle