crazy

20 Oct

i am fairly certain that i am crazy.  i am slowly losing my mind.  i feel disoriented and not sure of where i am.  or maybe i am tricking myself to believing that. i don’t want to be here writing these words.  i  think.  i thought  i wanted carefree inspiring words.  but it seems like i am in this tight tight bud that never wants to burst.  it is so dark and yet  maybe i want to be where i am.  maybe there is clarity here, if i just gave in.  i want to disconnect. i feel if i sit down and think myself into craziness. i could just let it wash over me.  i think this is why my chest is so tight and my heart is racing and my feet are tingling and maybe it is why i am passing in and out of consciousness.

or so it feels.

but maybe i am just “fucking selfish”.  and i cut myself off  and i think only of myself and not what i may give others. and maybe it is like in the movies, that those who questions their craziness cannot truly be crazy.  if this is true and if i must live with this, with who i am, i am not sure how.

or maybe i stay away to protect others.  s always thought that was the most selfish choice of all.  to refuse to accept help and love.  so i have tried to believe that those who give give freely.  without expectation of return.  but what if i take advantage?

i think i pass out to feel dead.

i am remembering something happy today.  how my Gr 6 girls laughed and sang and snapped along as I taught them that silly Atom’s Family song.  i will miss that of students here. they can be much more eager, and are impressed by the tiniest of things.  they left the class energized and smiling and wishing me a good day, and i thought, yes, that’s how i’d like all my classes to end. and i was so tired but for a few minutes i could not stop smiling too.

maybe i am here writing this all because i do want out.  and maybe i will write myself petal by opened petal out of this crazy place.

until then, please fuck off.

sorry.

i remember, i remember when i lost my mind
there was something so pleasant about that place.
even your emotions have an echo, in so much space.

 

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