love unconditional

3 Dec

My ideas on this are still forming.  I think about it a lot. I was thinking today we cannot choose who we love in this life. It seems it is true what they say.  It seems to be unconditional.  It seems to be some part of destiny  .  I do not really know why I love the ones that I do, simply that they came on my path and stuck to my guts.

Love and hope seems tied for me.  Hope springs eternal and love seems to be sourced from this same spring.  Love is special, divine in its vast faith, but it is not rare.  It is plentiful, grows easily from day to day, spreading out from each other like a nerve network.

I’m talking of all kinds of love.  Parental love.  Sibling love.  Love for life.  Love for myself.  Love for  my students .  Love for friends, that friend too, the only one who seems to read this now and then.  These loves seem to vary in intensity and expression, but seem to have a similar quality linking it back to the same divine source.

I’m thinking of this man I love  of course.  I’m thinking that this love has nothing to do with him and everything to do with him.

I love him.  This is freeing.

When he told me I love only myself through him, it was like a blow to my guts, just as devastating.  After what it felt to say that to him, it seemed too easy a dismissal.

But  I have grown to understand more of what he said and why.  I have loved his idea, his ideal, him as an idol, for a very long time, all in my own head, without expression or eyes to truly see.  I have looked in though and have watched this love mature.  He is no longer blindly on my pedestal, wavering.   I love him as a man now, the whole of him, feet on ground.  I have grown to love his hot and cold, his warm effervescence, his cool disregard.  I love  his twists and turns, his sometimes pushy ego, even his deceptions and his insecurities yes.  I love his blue eyes,  his sharp ears, his clean smell, his smooth milk skin.   I love his secrets and his difficulties and his mistakes and his lies.  I love his unique mind and his wide imagination.

(I could go on for a while, far after you will have already got the picture.)

I love his intuitive quickness.  I love his boyish laugh, and his sometimes silly, sometimes subtle sense of humor.  I love his vanity and his appetite and his language.  Love his frame, his movement, his fingers, his tongue, the seek-and-find, search-and-destroy, rip-and-take head of his cock.  I love his voice, the very tremor of his breath.  I love his passion, his grievances, his flaring impatience.  I love his joy and his sadness, his anger and his calm.  I love his command, his confidence, his creations and his heart-drawn music, all that  incredible talent .  I love his dedication, the hours he puts in.  I love his deep patience and constancy.  I love that he loves, that he needs, that he makes a home with, even when it hurts me.  I love his discernment, his sifting, his caution, his choosiness, his sudden openness and his gently growling guardedness.  I love his venom and his salve.  I love his teaching and his guidance, his charm and his manipulation.  I love his vulnerability and his strength. I love his vitality and his infectious energy.  I love his  heart, carved and expansive, hidden and crest-fallen, glass-thin and  to-the-rescue.  I love his search and his span and the ride of his road,  from my body to his, from his soul to mine across.  I love the snippets of him I can get, and yes, sometimes still blind, the parts that I do not.

If all these changed tomorrow, I do believe I would still love it all too.

I am trying too to learn to express this love without fear.  To be there even when I am afraid I have nothing to say or offer.  To show that I care, to show the things about him I appreciate, to show what I see.  I want to cradle more warmly, express this all to him  more deeply from within myself.  I am trying to be giving of my patience and understanding and smiles and hugs.

But the love itself doesn’t change…It is here, and it cannot be helped.

What can be helped is who my partner will be.  Love is unconditional and eternal, partnering is not.   Everyone needs to choose a partner they deserve, someone they can live with under conditions that helps them grow and be happy.   We can choose who we spend most of our time with.  Lifetimes are finite.

I have tried to accept that he and I will never be partners.  I know this is the right choice for both of us.  I hope life will send me good variety to choose from and the sense to make the right choices.  I want to choose someone who wants to devote his time significantly to me, someone I can trust, someone who can focus on me, someone with common values, someone I can make and carry out plans with, someone genuinely curious to get to know me, someone I can talk to easily, someone I smile and feel good around, someone who is there for me, someone who admires and encourages me, someone patient and helpful, someone who can stimulate.  (As  I have grown older and tasted of this life, I have grown to need less stimulation than before. But it has to be there still,  some spark, some interest, something to learn from.  I am not talking of fireworks and dizziness, simply an interesting depth to move in.)

And I  want to be all of this for someone.  I want the person I’m with to feel they’ve chosen me for all these reasons too.  It seems quite simple.

So I write this now to you, though I am fairly certain you’ve forgotten this blog exists.  Maybe one day I’ll send it to you.

Please know, if we give up and let go, if we grow apart, if things change, it has nothing to do with love.  We are, like you said, friends for life.

My love was surrendered to you before I knew it.  It did not matter that mine had more passion than yours, albeit mostly inwardly.

Love surrenders.

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