Archive | March, 2011

wild card inside

9 Mar

it’s not been all sunshine and overflowing cups and smiles and energy here. i’ve had quite a few lows, usually proceeding the highs. but i am trying to catch my crests while they’re here and record them to remind me and keep me firm.

i asked a man out to help me with a photo project today. not as kinky as it sounds. and he hasn’t responded but it felt good to ask. even if it was through facebook haha.

this song makes me happy and dancing flash mobs at a mall i know especially so.

also these lyrics by feist do me good somehow. i didn’t know that it talked about lies right at the end, it was just the “i feel it all” opening that gets me every time.

I feel it all I feel it all
I feel it all I feel it all
The wings are wide the wings are wide
Wild card inside wild card inside

Oh I’ll be the one who’ll break my heart
I’ll be the one to hold the gun

I know more than I knew before
I know more than I knew before
I didn’t rest I didn’t stop
Did we fight or did we talk

Oh I’ll be the one who’ll break my heart
I’ll be the one to hold the gun

I love you more
I love you more
I don’t know what I knew before
But now I know I wanna win the war

No one likes to take a test
Sometimes you know more is less
Put your weight against the door
Kick drum on the basement floor
Stranded in a fog of words
Loved him like a winter bird
On my head the water pours
Gulf stream through the open door
Fly away
Fly away to what you want to make

I feel it all, I feel it all
I feel it all I feel it all
The wings are wide, the wings are wide
Wild card inside, wild card inside

Oh I’ll be the one to break my heart
I’ll be the one who’ll break my heart
I’ll be the one who’ll break my heart
I’ll end it though you started it

The truth lies
The truth lied
And lies divide
Lies divide



4 Mar

I painted today, just for the hell of it. (For the yell of it.)
I’m no painter, and it’s actually a bit embarrassing to show this here. It looks like a ten year old did it. But I guess that’s the idea. I had such a grand ole’ sloppy time sketching and mixing colors and broadly slapping the paint on. The sea and sky turned out alright, but everything else is crooked, perhaps fittingly so. It was a lot of fun and was a relaxing way to spend an hour or two. (Instead of always being in front of the computer. Though I guess here I am, back again.) I might try at some later point to make a much better draft of this, if I can.
This is a painting of a Tarot card. I’ve had a kind of guilty relationship with Tarot for a while. I don’t use it for predictive purposes, more just for psychoanalytical purposes, to see where my thoughts gravitate to. There are many inspiring archetypes and yes I’ll say it, plenty of tropes to find within all the Tarot cards. I like the patterns and the categories of abstract symbols though. I like seeing, like I said, what my thoughts grab onto.
I’ve painted another Tarot card before: The Fool. This one is of the ‘Ace of Cups’. It came up this morning while I fooled around on my usual Tarot website. I felt like painting it. I took the image roughly (and I mean very roughly) off of another website. Obviously the Christian and Buddhist symbols of dove and lotus and light are rampant here, and that’s fine with me. 🙂
The Ace of Cups is the card where ‘the cup runneth over’ with an abundance of love and hope. It’s a card of optimism and intimacy and peace. It represent a state of being blessed and assured, and being able to offer accepting compassion for those around you. The Ace in Tarot is made up of the best of all that suit has to offer and the suit of Cups generally represent Love in its purest form.
The meaning of this for me now is obvious, but it is not because some new person has entered my heart. I simply feel open to what I have now and what may come. I am ready to keep moving and I am ready to no longer scrape for drops, to simply, very simply, look around me and see what Love I have and can have, from all around.
I am alone now, more than I have ever been, now that he is distancing from my life. And yet for a moment, I stop and see: I am running over, free.

Something opens our wings.
Something makes boredom and hurt disappear.
Somebody fills the cup in front of us.
We taste only sacredness.
–Jelaluddin Rumi