Tag Archives: love

love unconditional

3 Dec

My ideas on this are still forming.  I think about it a lot. I was thinking today we cannot choose who we love in this life. It seems it is true what they say.  It seems to be unconditional.  It seems to be some part of destiny  .  I do not really know why I love the ones that I do, simply that they came on my path and stuck to my guts.

Love and hope seems tied for me.  Hope springs eternal and love seems to be sourced from this same spring.  Love is special, divine in its vast faith, but it is not rare.  It is plentiful, grows easily from day to day, spreading out from each other like a nerve network.

I’m talking of all kinds of love.  Parental love.  Sibling love.  Love for life.  Love for myself.  Love for  my students .  Love for friends, that friend too, the only one who seems to read this now and then.  These loves seem to vary in intensity and expression, but seem to have a similar quality linking it back to the same divine source.

I’m thinking of this man I love  of course.  I’m thinking that this love has nothing to do with him and everything to do with him.

I love him.  This is freeing.

When he told me I love only myself through him, it was like a blow to my guts, just as devastating.  After what it felt to say that to him, it seemed too easy a dismissal.

But  I have grown to understand more of what he said and why.  I have loved his idea, his ideal, him as an idol, for a very long time, all in my own head, without expression or eyes to truly see.  I have looked in though and have watched this love mature.  He is no longer blindly on my pedestal, wavering.   I love him as a man now, the whole of him, feet on ground.  I have grown to love his hot and cold, his warm effervescence, his cool disregard.  I love  his twists and turns, his sometimes pushy ego, even his deceptions and his insecurities yes.  I love his blue eyes,  his sharp ears, his clean smell, his smooth milk skin.   I love his secrets and his difficulties and his mistakes and his lies.  I love his unique mind and his wide imagination.

(I could go on for a while, far after you will have already got the picture.) Continue reading

these months ahead

8 Nov

Even here, where the seasons only change from searing hot to less hot, I can feel the haunt of winter approaching. I can feel these are the months coming up that I will have to slug through. Where I push and push and break through into the new year and all the usual resolutions come weighing on my shoulders, pressuring me to achieve. And all these months still ahead to live, before you can even thaw. Waiting for the green to get loose again.

I’m in the middle of the desert, but I’m thinking of that polar bear on that Planet Earth documentary we watched today. How she spends her winter underneath the ground, hiding with her cubs, without a bite to eat for months. And how she wriggles out of this tiny hole come time for Spring. She then has to nurse her cubs with the last of her reserves. And even then, it’s not over yet, there are the weeks ahead yet, struggling through melting ice, where she has to trek across miles to hunt in a barren land. But when she first comes out of the hole, she lets herself slip and slide down the icy hill, like a child on a slide. In some form of animal umitigated joy.

I need to put on some polar bear reserve fat.

Maybe this year I will simply resolve to be happy. No ifs ands or buts. No roads to happiness to walk. Only happiness now.

Winter’s coming, it’s whispering fears, but it’s telling me too: courage. Square the shoulders, steady the knees. I’m telling myself, it will be fine, no, it will be great. Send love. Be love. Offer your kindness. Go out of your way.

I have a tiny heart, beating, in my hands, only for you.  Help it grow.