Tag Archives: surrender

love unconditional

3 Dec

My ideas on this are still forming.  I think about it a lot. I was thinking today we cannot choose who we love in this life. It seems it is true what they say.  It seems to be unconditional.  It seems to be some part of destiny  .  I do not really know why I love the ones that I do, simply that they came on my path and stuck to my guts.

Love and hope seems tied for me.  Hope springs eternal and love seems to be sourced from this same spring.  Love is special, divine in its vast faith, but it is not rare.  It is plentiful, grows easily from day to day, spreading out from each other like a nerve network.

I’m talking of all kinds of love.  Parental love.  Sibling love.  Love for life.  Love for myself.  Love for  my students .  Love for friends, that friend too, the only one who seems to read this now and then.  These loves seem to vary in intensity and expression, but seem to have a similar quality linking it back to the same divine source.

I’m thinking of this man I love  of course.  I’m thinking that this love has nothing to do with him and everything to do with him.

I love him.  This is freeing.

When he told me I love only myself through him, it was like a blow to my guts, just as devastating.  After what it felt to say that to him, it seemed too easy a dismissal.

But  I have grown to understand more of what he said and why.  I have loved his idea, his ideal, him as an idol, for a very long time, all in my own head, without expression or eyes to truly see.  I have looked in though and have watched this love mature.  He is no longer blindly on my pedestal, wavering.   I love him as a man now, the whole of him, feet on ground.  I have grown to love his hot and cold, his warm effervescence, his cool disregard.  I love  his twists and turns, his sometimes pushy ego, even his deceptions and his insecurities yes.  I love his blue eyes,  his sharp ears, his clean smell, his smooth milk skin.   I love his secrets and his difficulties and his mistakes and his lies.  I love his unique mind and his wide imagination.

(I could go on for a while, far after you will have already got the picture.) Continue reading

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